Thursday, 4 April 2013

Who am I?

It's a question that's plagued me for many years. Pages have been filled in my diaries and journals from childhood to youth with my existential angst.

Who am I? Why am I here? I know there is a higher purpose to my life but, goddamnit, what is it and how the hell do I find it?

A few days short of my 31st birthday and I'm still asking the same questions. I still don't have the answers. Someone very wise said 'Who am I?' is the most important philosophical question so I guess I'm on the right track.

And so I have taken it upon myself to delve deeper into that answer this year. To discover who I am and who I am not. To stop running around like a headless chicken, focusing on resenting others instead of nurturing myself. To commit to myself that I will persevere and not lose steam, no matter what the odds.

I will not become a chef. I will not sell candles, automotive parts or anything else. I will not open my own restaurant or any other business. I will not pursue an MBA, a film degree or any other course here or abroad.

I will write. I will write like my life depends on it, because it does. It is the only talent I know I have (Ok, I'm not sure I do but people have been telling me since I was a zygote so I am just going to go on faith here). I will write blogs, letters, articles, books, whatever it takes. And I will keep writing till the end of the year. Everyday, every season, through ill-health and weddings and crazy family putting their heads up my backside. I will write. I will write. I will write. I will chant it like a mantra and I will write.

Somewhere at the end of all this I hope I am a wee bit closer to my answers. I hope I will purge myself. Rid myself of the cesspool of rotting, stinking anger and resentment that's burning a hole through me. I hope I will be more at peace, breathe easier, smile a little more and mean it. Not cringe every time I hear of another's success and happiness, personal or professional. It is all I have to hold on to and right now in this moment it is enough. It will see me through. I will see me through.

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