Tuesday, 18 June 2013

I'm not that girl

I'm not the life of the party. I'm not the one that makes heads turn when I enter a room. I'm not the hot dancer on the floor.

I'm not the good girl at the wedding who gets all the work done. Nor the traditional one who everyone loves.  And definitely not the sweet one everyone smiles at in approval.

I'm not the quiet one who accepts things as they are. I'm not the one who can turn a blind eye if she doesn't agree with things.

I don't remember names of movies I have seen. Nor the music I've heard.

I don't have witty comebacks.

I'm the girl sitting in the corner, nursing my drink. I will speak if spoken to and then also may mumble or speak too fast. I'm the girl who's too embarrassed to dance unless drunk.

I'm the girl who went out and got a tattoo but usually wears clothes that hide it. I'm the girl who's still discovering her sense of style.

I'm the girl who doesn't know how to play games and would rather have honest conversations. I'm insecure and afraid but ready to wear that on my sleeve because I hope to meet people who can deal with it and help me grow.

I'm the girl who's given up pretending that she's cool. Cool is just a word and the meaning changes over the years. I'm the girl who challenges people, to be better and truer.

I'm the girl rebuilding my life. The girl who gave up resenting her loss of freedom and failed marriage to embrace her son and her new life.

I'm the girl who got her shit together. I apologize to no one.

Saturday, 15 June 2013


What is love? What defines it? Is it the rush of excitement when we meet someone who pays us some attention? Is it the romantic notions sold to us through movies and books?

I'm in a conundrum here. On one level I fear love. I don't ever want to love someone again. I don't ever want to give myself to another man. Love, trust, fidelity, everything that I grew up hoping for have been tarnished for me. I no longer believe in relationships. If ever I see a happy couple I am plagued with doubt about what's going on underneath. Or with jealousy that I couldn't have that.

But at a very basic level I can't trust the idea of love. I don't think it exists anymore. I've seen it in it's most convoluted forms, used to imprison a person and make them incapable of being happy. I've fought long and hard to get out of there and it's put the fear of god in me. I have no intention of going back down that road.

On the other hand I feel the deepest kind of love I can possibly feel for my son. The little monster has wormed his way in to my heart and my life so that now everything I do, all my decisions revolve around him. I can no longer imagine a life without him, even if promised freedom from all responsibilities. I willingly surrender to him my time, my money, my everything.

Is that not love? How is it that the same person can be fearful of and so deeply embrace love at the same time? How can two such extreme attitudes to love find a home within me? How then do I define this intangible emotion that is supposed to make the world go round?