Tuesday, 17 January 2012

A letter to my husband

Our son played 'our' song on my mobile today morning. As I heard Kailash Kher sing I realized I hadn't thought about you in a while.

It's been more than a month since you left. I had thought it'll be terribly difficult but it isn't. My world hasn't stopped. I still go out. I still eat. I still work. I function. I don't need you anymore. And that scares me. I'm used to needing you. I'm used to my life being incomplete without you. But it isn't. Where does that leave us?

I thought I would miss you terribly. Pine away counting the days to your return as I did every other time, even when I knew you were with someone else. But I don't miss you anymore. I don't think of you every time I watch a romantic movie. I don't think of you when I need a hug. I don't picture you when I envision my future. So, where does that leave us?

I always thought of us. I planned for us. But I don't anymore. I think of me. I plan for me. So is there still an us?

I have no answers and I'm not looking anymore for the answers to that question.

I want to know about me now. Who I am. Where I'm going. What makes me happy.

I am learning to take care of myself. To say that I have a right to be happy. I'm not just a wife. I'm a woman. An intelligent, generous, kind, confused one. I'm working my ass off to earn my freedom.

It's overwhelming. And I feel alone. I often feel like a bad mother. But I'll figure it out. I know I have it within me. I will carry on and I will do it with panache.

So, I release you. Thank you for teaching me, touching me, changing me. Some of who I am today is because of you. Go in peace and happiness. I hope you find love, for yourself and another. And I hope the same for myself.

Goodbye my husband.

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