Friday, 1 February 2013

I miss him

Divorce - it's such a loaded worded. It brings out all sorts of sentiments and judgments when you tell someone you're divorced. I've had people ignore it, like if they don't mention it at all they will not notice the absence of my partner. I've had someone gasp and whisper "I'm so sorry". I got divorced, no one died! There was my cousin who laughed and said "you're joking right?". I mean really, would I joke about something like that. And my favourite, a friend's sister, who upon hearing of my newly acquired single status said "Good for you!" without batting an eyelid.

The thing is though, that divorce is a sneaky, sneaky little thing. Just when you think you've moved on, you're over him, you're happier and healthier than you used to be, it catches you by surprise. A song, a look, a smell is all that's needed to make you realize you miss him.

Maybe it isn't just divorce, maybe it's any kind of loss. A loved one, a relationship, anything that was special and cherished. And maybe it's not 'him' I'm missing but the idea of him. The idea of a partner who's there for you, who's committed, who's love can never be doubted.

Today I woke up, with a song in my head. strange things happen to me and this is one of them. I sometimes wake up with random songs in my head. At a time in my marriage it happened so often that it became a joke and the first thing my then husband would ask me in the morning is " Aaj kaunsa gaana hai?" And usually the absurdity of the song would have us in splits. (We bonded greatly over bad Bollywood music of the yesteryears).

But today, I woke up with a song in my head. And there was no one I could tell.

The grief, the loss, the morning hugs and cuddles, all the memories swamped me. And so I know that I still miss him. Or the idea of him.

So here I am, telling you all something that was once a special moment, ridonculous as it is.

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