The thing is though, that divorce is a sneaky, sneaky little thing. Just when you think you've moved on, you're over him, you're happier and healthier than you used to be, it catches you by surprise. A song, a look, a smell is all that's needed to make you realize you miss him.
Maybe it isn't just divorce, maybe it's any kind of loss. A loved one, a relationship, anything that was special and cherished. And maybe it's not 'him' I'm missing but the idea of him. The idea of a partner who's there for you, who's committed, who's love can never be doubted.
Today I woke up, with a song in my head. strange things happen to me and this is one of them. I sometimes wake up with random songs in my head. At a time in my marriage it happened so often that it became a joke and the first thing my then husband would ask me in the morning is " Aaj kaunsa gaana hai?" And usually the absurdity of the song would have us in splits. (We bonded greatly over bad Bollywood music of the yesteryears).
But today, I woke up with a song in my head. And there was no one I could tell.
The grief, the loss, the morning hugs and cuddles, all the memories swamped me. And so I know that I still miss him. Or the idea of him.
So here I am, telling you all something that was once a special moment, ridonculous as it is.