Saturday, 2 February 2013

When did I become this person???

You know how we all have an idea in our heads about who we are, a picture of ourselves? Well, I had one too. I was a single, independent woman. Someone who wants to have pot loads of money, travel, eat exotic food, be all glam and famous.

Given half a chance I would toss off the mommy-clothes, clean up good and be out there living it up. Maybe even hook up with a guy or two. Party hard.

So you'd think that when I was offered a return ticket to USA in exchange for 4 days of babysitting I'd be thrilled right? My little one will be with the grandparents and after a week of hanging around with my niece I get two weeks of holidaying in NYC.

I've got what I always wanted. Freedom. To do what I want, to be a single adult and not a single mom, to sleep and wake-up when I want. Basically to answer to no one and be accountable for no one. For 2 whole weeks!

Yay!!!  Right? Huh....

My heart sinks at the thought of going. My eyes fill up every time the little monster says 'I love you Mamma.' I lie at night after he sleeps, holding him close. In the wee hours before he wakes up I look at his face and think about how much I'm going to miss him. I wonder if I should take him along. I see the fun things to do in Philly with my niece and think of how much he'd enjoy it.

I worry that he'll miss me and be miserable. What if he falls sick? Hurts himself? What if he's scarred for life cos I left him to be frivolous and enjoy myself? What if this has far reaching impacts I can't even foresee right now? How will I ever forgive myself?

Not quite the person I thought I was, am I? When did I become this person? When did I become the hyper paranoid super obsessive mother instead of the uber cool and confident single woman I thought I was?

And so another myth is busted. Oh what an eye opener this one was!

DISCLAIMER: I'm still going to USA alone and will truly enjoy my single holiday despite sorely missing my son. Hopefully he won't hold it against me forever. And don't worry, these thoughts mostly stay in my head. Those who see my around my son know I don't let the crazies out while he's around!

No comments:

Post a Comment