I'm in a conundrum here. On one level I fear love. I don't ever want to love someone again. I don't ever want to give myself to another man. Love, trust, fidelity, everything that I grew up hoping for have been tarnished for me. I no longer believe in relationships. If ever I see a happy couple I am plagued with doubt about what's going on underneath. Or with jealousy that I couldn't have that.
But at a very basic level I can't trust the idea of love. I don't think it exists anymore. I've seen it in it's most convoluted forms, used to imprison a person and make them incapable of being happy. I've fought long and hard to get out of there and it's put the fear of god in me. I have no intention of going back down that road.
On the other hand I feel the deepest kind of love I can possibly feel for my son. The little monster has wormed his way in to my heart and my life so that now everything I do, all my decisions revolve around him. I can no longer imagine a life without him, even if promised freedom from all responsibilities. I willingly surrender to him my time, my money, my everything.
Is that not love? How is it that the same person can be fearful of and so deeply embrace love at the same time? How can two such extreme attitudes to love find a home within me? How then do I define this intangible emotion that is supposed to make the world go round?