Tuesday, 6 August 2013

Being Alive

In a long, long time I haven't felt the way I do today. I don't know if I've ever felt this way. Every pore in my body is open, taking in huge gulps of fresh air. All my senses are heightened. Though each muscle and fiber in my body screams with pain at the slightest movement I can't remember the last time I felt so good. Felt so deeply, intensely alive!

Yesterday, for the first time, I was part of a Bollywood/Indie feature film shoot. Spot boy, AD, photographer, sound guy and production manager, I donned many hats in one day. I don't know if I'll be credited with either in the final cut but honestly, I don't care. As I said in my earlier blog Movies and Me I have been obsessed with the movies from childhood and my dream finally came true.

It doesn't matter that the shoot was in a house in Delhi. It doesn't matter that almost the entire crew is relatively new at what they do. I don't care that there weren't big stars (though honestly Anshuman Jha and Piaa Bajpai aren't exactly unknown either). None of it matters. My dream came true. That is the only thought going round and round in my head and I haven't stopped grinning. I was on my feet for 22 hours and yet I feel nothing but pure, unadulterated joy. Bliss.

It's been a good year. I got published for the first time , I worked for bigwigs like the Rajiv Gandhi Foundation and I was a part of X - The Film. I couldn't ask for more. I am so thankful. To the powers that be. To my friends (you know who you are) for all the support and the coffees and the drinks and the cigarettes and the love you sent my way. You often believed in me more than I did myself. To my awesome son who has inspired me to get off my ass and live my life. To my boss, I don't think he knows what he has done. There is no way he'll realize the magnitude of my gratitude. He gifted me my dream. There is no greater gift you can give a person than to fulfill their dream.

But most of all, for a change, I want to thank myself. For trusting in the universe, in myself, in life. For allowing myself to grieve, to be fearful, to be insecure. For being able to face that and put it away so that I can let good into my life. Good people, good work. For giving myself a chance to restart, to not abandon my dreams just because they'd gathered dust and cobwebs. For forgiving myself, for loving myself, for knowing when to let go and when to hold on. For giving myself permission to belong and be loved. For believing that I am smart and capable even when I felt I was no good. I have earned this. I deserve this and more in my life forever. I believe that now. Thank you.

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